Season's Greetings
by ProfAT
Summary: Strongly receiving the impression that they will be undergoing a lengthy separation, Shuuhei and Renji send each other their warmest, fondest regards the old-fashioned way. Discussion regarding lewd calenders and humorously festive sweaters ensue. Shit, son, it's too early for these holiday shenanigans.


Dear Renji,

I'm hoping you'll be visiting soon. I realize that you've practically just left, but it turns out I'm less patient than I thought. Work has been tedious since you left, and it doesn't seem right that you have to leave so close to the holidays. Not in the "Holiday spirit", I guess. Whatever that means.

I apologize for the fact that we have to use such a slow means of communication now. With any luck, you'll probably get this letter days after I've written it. On the other hand, if we use hell butterflies we run the risk of them being intercepted, and the thought of that just rubs me the wrong way. At least with snail-mail, we'll be able to tell if someone opened our letters and went snooping through our private conversations. I also think this might be a good way for me to gather my thoughts. I'll just force myself to fill up the whole page, and maybe by some happy accident an accurate representation of my feelings will fall onto the paper in the process.

That being stated, I have to admit I miss you an awful lot. I'm not saying I'm wishing for a calamity to happen in Soul Society that would force you from your station and drag you back here with me, but I kind of wish for some kind of calamity that would force you from your situation and drag you back here with me. I only has to be a _little_ calamity. I'm a terrible person.

Kira sends his best wishes. He's still in the Fourth Division infirmary, and I spend most of my free time keeping him company when Captain Unohana allows it. I'm actually sitting in his room right now as I write this. He keeps trying to peek over my shoulder to see what I'm writing. I have tastefully declined his suggestion to draw lewd pictures in the margins of my letter. The idea of displaying such provocative images through our mail is ridiculous- that kind of obscenity needs to be shared in person.

We're frequently joined by Rangiku, for which I'm grateful. She kind of reminds me of you. She sends her love to you, as well as Kuchiki, Kurosaki, and all the others in Karakura.

I know I've said it before, but I really do wish you were here again. The fact that they need to have both Kurosaki_ and_ Kuchiki is excessive enough, don't you think? I've been keeping productive in your absence, which is good, but not so much that I don't have time to wonder what you're up to over there in the World of the Living. Is it snowing over there? All we got in the Seireitei was an utterly pathetic little flurry and a few patches of ice to trip people up on the walkways.

I keep replaying this fantasy in my mind, where a huge blizzard comes in and we get snowed in at home. I'll have you and a pile of blankets and a cup of tea all to myself, and we'll spend all day napping and cuddling without any fear of interruption whatsoever. We'll also fuck until we can't move but shoooooosh that's naughty. I would never write that into a letter, because that would be vastly unprofessional.

Speaking of which, Rangiku came by with what she reports is an early Christmas present for me. (I made the point that it isn't really accurate to call it a Christmas gift, since none of us actually celebrate Christmas or any religious holidays of the World of the Living, but all she did was lightly pat my face and ignore what I said. She really does remind me of you at times. By which I mean you're both delightful, obviously.)

It's next year's calendar from the World of the Living, featuring muscular, scantily-clad men on motorcycles. Only the images have been doctored with photo-clippings of your face pasted over the models', and the patterns of your tattoos have been drawn on with sharpie. Rather skillfully, I might add. I didn't know that anyone besides me knew about that particular tattoo. I might be a tad suspicious. Mr. October bares the most striking resemblance to your actual image, and his pose reminds me of that one time in the garage on a particular sultry night in the ages past- but look at me, getting all off-track and inappropriate again.

Granted, the calendar is no where near as good as the real thing, so don't get in a huff about it. However, I will be asking that at the next opportunity for you to return to the squads, regardless of how brief that may be, that you will assist me in procuring the motorcycle they (oh so wrongly) confiscated from me and also Rangiku's camera. For art, obviously. Purely for the art.

It's selfish of me to keep bringing up how much I miss you, and it's probably cruel to you to keep being reminded of it. I wonder how familiar one would have to be with the World of the Living to get assigned missions there. I wonder if I could qualify for more of those. It's not fair that they have to keep taking you away from me, it's_ always_ you! Even if I did get assigned a mission there's no doubt that I'd be kept too busy and at any rate, I'm too preoccupied with work as it is. Evidently I'm not the only one who has been affected by your absence as Captain Kuchiki seems especially despondent with both you and his sister assigned away. He's been antagonizing the other captains, and the other captains have been antagonizing us poor little subordinates in return. Captain Mugumura's coping method is lots of high-intensity training and I am legitimately considering throwing a coup with Kuna if it goes on much longer.

Imagine the hypothetical beauty of it, if you will. I branch off from this oppressive regime and become captain of my own squad and then I control the amount of paperwork I have to do and not do. And while I know you'd never think of switching squads, in my daydreams I get to appoint you as my lieutenant. We'd get to be nearly inseparable and you'd cater to my every fantasy.

I mean, you always fulfill my fantasies. You are my fantasy. What elaborate sexual daydreams that I entertain during work when I'm very bored instead of filing? What are you talking about? Silly, silly Renji.

At any rate, I wish you nothing but the best. Please stay safe out there, don't do anything stupid, ect. And since Rangiku put the idea in my mind, I thought of sending you a holiday gift if I end up not seeing you by the time it's appropriate, fuck the very thought. I hope you like it, as it's a rather unique little piece but when I saw it I knew you needed to have it and that I needed to be the one to give it to you.

As much love as is possible to communicate into one letter,

Shuuhei 

Dear Shuuhei,

If you're going to torture me, then just say so. Because I'm not going to stand around for this unnecessarily coy mocking me with your sexy fantasies and your stupid sexy words and your stupid sexy SEX.

As your lieutenant I cater to your every whim, eh? What makes you think you need to be my boss to get that kind of treatment from me. Just ask. Literally just ask. Please ask.

In other news, I'm currently occupying space in the Kurosaki residence. And each day I become more concerned that they are trying to integrate me into their population and go native. When I came in today, Ichigo's dad (Captain Shiba? Ex-captain Shiba? Dr. Kurosaki? Fuck it.) tried to punch me in the gut. I kind of panicked and threw him across the room- ACCIDENTALLY- and then he gave me a pat on the back and called me "son". I think Ichigo was jealous. I fear for my well-being and my sanity.

I am so, so mad that I can't see this calendar. I'm fuming with rage at the fact that it isn't in my hands right now, being read by me with my own eyeballs. Are the guys as hot as me? Which tattoo does Rangiku know about that she's not supposed to know about? Is it the one down_ there_? Have you masturbated to it yet? So many questions.

Yeah. So. That's how it's been.

Okay, confession time: I spent just about all week imagining what your letter was gonna say and how I was gonna respond to it and I imagined what I'd write back and I'd be all charming and the big joke here is the idea that I am capable of being charming. But now that I'm sitting here with the paper and pen in my lap and physically writing I keep running out of steam and I'm just looking at your letter and your writing is so pretty and your words are so pretty and mine is garbage and I'm sitting here thinking "oh shit I've made a huge mistake."

I'll just admit that I'm miserable without you. I love everyone out here in spades but after a certain point they're just awful and I can't stand to be around them when instead I could be at home with you. I think about you at the most ridiculous times, when I am walking past shops and I see something that reminds me even vaguely of you. I keep thinking I hear your voice in the city crowds. Insert other humiliating cliche of my heart-struck loneliness here. I'm pushing as hard as I can for a break for the holidays just to see you again. Here's hoping!

We've had a metric assload of snow and it's driving me up the wall. Don't you dare sound all wistful about snowstorms, don't you dare when I have to stomp through this disgusting slush up to my eyeballs. Your idea about naughty snowed-indoors shenanigans sounds like just about the only saving grace of cold weather ever. I feel that winter is one of those things that I understand the necessity of and appreciate from a strategic master plan, but in practice I am cold and wet and foul-tempered and sniffly. It's all just very gross in all ways forever.

And for that reason you can tell Captain Kuchiki to shove it because I'm suffering and he can file his own damn paperwork. Except don't actually say that because I might be killed. Rukia sends her undying affection to everyone back in the Seireitei and Ichigo sends his Teenagery-Apathy-That-Thinly-Veils-Legitimate-Warmth. I, personally, wish all of you the very best and urge Kira on his road to a swift recovery with a reminder to keep his nose in his own business. You see, he and I are like housepets and you are our human. We are in constant competition for your attention and for this reason I want to keep all your touchy-feely-ness and vise versa to myself.

Your gift, the eye-assaulting, bright green holiday sweater depicting the little baboons and snakes merrily hopping over big snowflakes has been well received. In other news: you are a cock and you're not as funny as you think you are. Rukia would like me to personally thank you for color-coordinating so that the sweater didn't clash with my hair. Then she made me promise to wear it forever. I am wearing it right now, but not because I'm sentimental or anything. But because it is warm and comfy. That is all.

With an amount of love bordering on offensive and appalling,

Renji

P.S. I'm lobbying as hard as I can for a holiday vacation to head home, but in the unfortunate event that I get ignored ("HA! How often can THAT happen", he says with sarcasm so heavy you could drop it on Sado's head at a hazardous construction site.) I hope you enjoy the present I am sending you back. It's a matching scarf and mittens set with happy skulls on them. Yes, they are adorable.


End file.
